Thursday, November 25, 2010

Race and dating: "What is it with you and Indian chicks?"

I've been reading a few posts around the blogosphere about racial preferences in partner selection, and so I figured I'd contribute my own experiences.

More than once, someone has asked me a variation on the question, "What is it with you and Indian chicks?"

On the face of it, it's a fair question to ask. My current partner of almost 3 years is Indian (to be more specific, she is Malaysian-born of mixed Ceylonese Tamil and Indian Tamil heritage). My only other serious long-term relationship (3 years) was also with someone of Indian heritage (Punjabi, in that case). My only other relationship in which the "L" word was exchanged? She was Sri Lankan. My very first girlfriend? Pakistani.

In between those, here are the ethnicities of the women I have dated in my adult life ("dated" as in, not just "went on a date with", but having gone a little further, yet not got serious):

Indian/Jewish
Sri Lankan/Italian
Indonesian
Anglo-Indian
Sri Lankan
Indonesian
Filipino

(Sorry if I left anyone out.)

That list doesn't include the handful of people I've kissed at parties or clubs but didn't continue any further with.

I hope this doesn't come across as some attempt to brag about my "conquests" (and in any case, if it were I don't think would be a long enough list to be impressive). I'm just showing that those who surmise that my dating preferences extend primarily to South Asians would certainly be excused for thinking so. But it doesn't actually tell the whole story.

Because dating is only partly about who you choose. The other side, equally important, is who chooses you.

Now I don't think I'm anyone's idea of a playa. When it comes to getting what guys tend to think of as a "result", I guess I do OK, but I've also had my fair share of rejections, and things that petered out into nothing.

You'll notice, for example, that my above list does not include any white women. I've actually kissed a couple, and fancied a few. But how many of them actually wanted to go out with me?

Likewise, no-one of African descent on that list. Now, while there isn't a huge amount of black people in my part of the world (Australia), I actually know quite a few. So does this mean that I'm not interested in black women? Quite the contrary. I could tell you about 3 or 4 that I've been particularly interested in, but they didn't reciprocate.

There are a few South East Asians on my list - as you'd probably expect with my Indonesian background, I have dated a couple of Indonesians - but no East Asians. Which is interesting to me, because almost half the people I hang out with are Chinese. I'm pretty savvy with Chinese culture, and I find plenty of Chinese women to be attractive. Yet I've never gone beyond one or two dates with any of them. It's not that I haven't tried.

Yes, I do tend to go for a certain type. Most people do to some extent, I guess.

For me, there is something about women from South and East Asia that makes my head turn most often. I don't know if I can explain why in any quantitative fashion, they just look good to me. Not all of them, of course.

Women from Africa, the Middle East or Latin America also appeal to me, although not quite as much as Asians. White/European women a little less so, although I've certainly been smitten with one or two in the past. Interestingly, women who are a mix of white with something else, are extremely appealing to me, perhaps even more so than the unmixed "something else".

This doesn't mean I think that certain racial types are better or more beautiful than others. It's just my preference. I would date someone of any race, if I found them sufficiently attractive. It just happens to be that certain things appeal to me, both physical and personality-wise, and they tend to be found in certain groups more than others.

But ultimately this only matters so much, because when it comes to who I get into relationships with, I don't get to have it all my own way. I can fancy whoever I like, but they have to fancy me back, or it's not going to get far. And I've been trying to sell my product to a wide variety of consumers, but for whatever reason it seems to primarily appeal to a South Asian demographic.

If it were solely up to me, the above list of who I've dated would look a helluva lot more diverse. It would include Jessica Alba, for starters. But clearly, it's not just up to me.

16 comments:

  1. Pretty cool...The preference thing is no big deal Ive come to realize...

    As long as their is no bashing or trying to scientifically prove some races are naturally more attractive than other its all good. I find all races to be attractive but I do like some combos more than others.

    DO you feel as if you need to justify your preference to others? I have had people question me but I think its just best to ignore it...

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  2. @ Zaire Y:

    "As long as their is no bashing or trying to scientifically prove some races are naturally more attractive than other its all good."

    I agree, as you may have guessed from some comments I left on your blog recently. I hate it when people can't separate their personal preferences from objective reality. I don't think Megan Fox is anything special, to be frank, but I figure that says more about me than it does her.

    Beauty standards are very culturally influenced as well, such as the Asian obsession with pale skin or the African love of junk in the trunk.

    "DO you feel as if you need to justify your preference to others? I have had people question me but I think its just best to ignore it... "

    I was gonna say no, but then considering that I wrote this post about it, I guess I do to some extent. What I don't want people to think is that I have some kind of fetish. I think I have a fairly healthy love of women in general, but some are more likely to flick my switch than others.

    I might have to write another post about this.

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  3. The who chooses you point is very true. It is the thing that is always overlooked!

    Thanks for your comment over at my place - much appreciated. Always keen to hear new thoughts and commenters.

    RCM

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. You're a brave man, eurasian sensation, to open the window onto what gets your juices flowing! There's no rule book on what's normal- gender, race, class, age, roughness, submission, frequency etc- and yet so much stigma can be attached, depending on your choice. How you choose can in some ways define you to yourself and others. And I imagine that it changes depending on your age (testosterone levels etc), your experience, where you are in a relationship etc.

    In society, we're encouraged to view everyone as equal. The great religions encourage us to love equally. But intense human relations, particularly sexual ones, are very much one-on-one affairs (unless you get very lucky!), requiring some selection and discrimination. We want a "special" person and the person we're with wants to feel "special", not picked at random. But not all the factors that go in to choosing a partner (both sexual and non-sexual) do not always bear well under close scrutiny (assuming we even undertake the exercise). Sure, we may want a great personality, but that's almost a given. On top of that we may look for physcial attractiveness (race, boobsize, weight, height etc), wealth, social status, family compatibility, sexual openness or virginity, child-bearing capability etc but don't want to be labelled as shallow for doing so.

    In this regard, I think there is a reasonable balance, however it almost impossible to publically say what this balance is. Like there is no correct answer for how many sexual partners one has had that will make you sound normal but not a slut.

    I think the answer is to either decide that such information (e.g. sexual preferences, number of sexual partners) is personal and sensitive and only share it with someone you trust or...decide "f*ck it", who cares what other people think, they're surely as perverted as I am anyway, and just be open about it. For which, Eurasian Sensation, I applaud you!

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  6. @Eurasian. You sound very "experienced." Lol! I give you the benefit of the doubt that you're not bragging. But, lol!


    Anyway, I don't think anyone begrudge you the right to date someone you want to date, regardless of race. As long as your preference doesn't include random insults of/attacks on other women, it's all fine.

    PS. It's natural for mixed race individuals to find other mixed race individuals attractive.

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  7. @ Mel:
    "Experienced"? Maybe, but more than the average guy?
    I'm 34 now, and my dating life didn't really get underway til I was about 20. And given that I've spent about 6 years being in serious relationships, that's about 1 person per year on average? That's not much, in my book.

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  8. Yeah I believe beauty(outside of youth, clear skin, obvious signs of fertility ect) is based heavily on culture. For some reason many people want to deny this but its true.

    I might to a post on preference as well. I was actually brainstorming one a few months ago but I never got around to finishing. When I get some free time I will do it.

    I have had my preferences used against me(see my post on interracial for the latest example), thats why I asked you if you felt the need to justify it. I dont know about you(or other non-blacks) but my experience is when a black person finds non-black people attractive they are usually slammed with the label of self-hating/confused. Stating racial preferences can lead to racial guilt trips quick fast and in a hurry!

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  9. Did my comment get eaten my the spambot?

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  10. Yeah I believe beauty(outside of youth, clear skin, obvious signs of fertility ect) is based heavily on culture. For some reason many people want to deny this but its true.

    I might to a post on preference as well. I was actually brainstorming one a few months ago but I never got around to finishing. When I get some free time I will do it.

    I have had my preferences used against me(see my post on interracial for the latest example), thats why I asked you if you felt the need to justify it. I dont know about you(or other non-blacks) but my experience is when a black person finds non-black people attractive they are usually slammed with the label of self-hating/confused. Stating racial preferences can lead to racial guilt trips quick fast and in a hurry!

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  11. @ Zaire:
    fixed it up for you. Not sure what happened there.

    Yes, I noticed one of your black commenters labelling you a disgrace for having the temerity to be attracted to white men.

    A few over-reactions over at your place, methinks!

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  12. I know this is an old post, but I stumbled upon your post today on funny thai names and came across this one.Its funny that only last week I was thinking about the guys that I have preferred and I would choose Indian men, followed by latin men in terms of skin color..i dunno why but it just looks so appealing to me.Am Indian by the way so I guess that says a lot

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  13. the problem with your interracial dabbling is that it will result, within a hundred years, of a homogeneous ketchup sauce. look at the middle east with its ammonites and moabites and asyrians and babylonians and egyptians. all of these groups are gone and everyone is the same, excuse me, they speak different dialects. That's what will happen. This is why I am for tolerance, but interracial marriage is repulsive to me. as for just dating, fornication is a filthy thing for all people.

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  14. @ Anonymous (1:26PM):
    "Fornication is a filthy thing for all people"
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    "...interracial marriage is repulsive to me."
    Love is repulsive. Reject it in the name of diversity!

    Man I have some odd people turning up on my blog.

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  15. surprised you got success with desi girls since they are very exclusive by sticking with theri own group.
    since eurasian...curisous whos hairer...you or your desi girlfriends.
    im part indian and ive noticed we are a hairy group. some indian women are hairer than men an im hairyer then most white guys.
    here the most popular brown girls are latin

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    Replies
    1. Most have been Western-born or -raised desis, who I don't think are particularly exclusive.
      I'm not an especially hairy guy, but as a male I'm hairier than most females. Most of my partners have usually kept things well tended, anyway.

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