Friday, September 4, 2009

The strange ways that people find my blog

When you run a blog or other website, there are web applications that keep track of all kinds of data about your site. For example, how many people visit your site, how long they stay, which site they came from, whether they scrunch or fold their toilet paper, etc etc.

You can also see which words they typed into search engines which led to them finding your site. And this is sometimes the most interesting bit. The most common search phrases for this blog are a mixed bunch: things like "race and penis size", "penang best char kway teow", "attacks on indians" and "is pharrell williams asian?"

But then are the weird things. See, sometimes searches pick out random words out of context and you end up with people looking for bizarre things visiting your blog.
For example:

"how come i can't find black fairies" - isn't that the question on everyone's lips right now?

"the size of a cavemans penis" - makes we wonder what purpose the searcher has for typing this in. For starters, I doubt penises show up in the fossil record, but in any case... was someone hoping to hook up with a caveman for some serious dickage? Or was the searcher in fact a caveman who just wanted to make sure he was normal?

"hottest eurasian" - hey, I don't like to brag, but the fact that when you type this in you end up on my blog says it all, really.

Then there's the stuff that leaves you just wondering, "WTF?"

"nigerian onion booty" - ok, is that a Nigerian person's booty that just reeks of onions? Ew. Is it a type of sickness, like German measles? ("Sorry boss, can't come into work today, I got a nasty case of the Nigerian onion booty.") Or something else? I really have no idea.
"bukakke tiny asian penises barack obama" - wow, what a strange combination of words... right, so you want a Japanese porn video which not only features a bunch of guys with small penises ejaculating on girl, but you want it to include Barack Obama as well. Well, sure, that's not a tough ask. I've got plenty of those videos, you want?

"julie from masterchef is a bitch" - ouch.

"Nicklas Bendtner penis" - Nicklas Bendtner is a player for Arsenal FC. I'm not sure why his penis is of interest to anyone, and neither do I know why my blog seems to contain the answers.

"black man vibrators" - so was this person a black man who really needs vibrators, or did they want a vibrators that looks like a black man? And if so, do they want one that looks like a black man's penis, or just looks like a miniature black man? I'm not sure they make those.

And then, there are the search phrases that make you wonder if people think I'm somehow involved in the sex trade:

"indian gal for sex in melbourne" - damn, when I said I was a total pimp, it was just a figure of speech, y'know?

"massage happy ending springvale" - ok, but the happy ending costs extra, buddy.

"eurasian slut" - so, you want one, or are you implying I am one?

"asian pissing women" - Ew.


  1. the term pimp or pimpin is raped these days. Keep it real baby...

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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