Friday, July 13, 2007

Life's great questions answered

I know many of you have questions you want answered - whether about the meaning of life itself or simply what style of jacket goes best with those jeans you're wearing. Well, finally, in this post I give the definitive answers to some of those weighty questions you've always pondered.

Evolution or Creationism?
ANSWER: Evolution. We are all descended from apes - if you don't believe me, just take a look at Danny from the group New Kids on the Block (above - that's him on the right). Case closed. Do the proper research with an open mind and you have to agree. The Bible, Qur'an and Torah are fabulous books, but they are not scientific texts. And just because your great-granddaddy might have been a lemur, it doesn't make the teachings of someone like Jesus any less true or relevant, and neither does it negate the existence of God.

Who would win a fight between a lion and a tiger?
ANSWER: Due to man's destructive impact on the environment, in 20 years, there won't be any tigers left anyway. So I guess that leaves lions.

Can I be vegetarian and still eat fish?
ANSWER: Now, I'm all in favour of people reducing meat intake, so if they cut out red and white meats but still eat fish, that's great. But can they call themselves vegetarian? I'm inclined to say NO. Last time I checked Wikipedia, fish was still an animal. Meat is the flesh of an animal, and vegetarians don't eat meat. So there you are. And remember, fish stocks are so severely depleted that fish will be an expensive rarity in a few decades - consuming fish is not exactly environmentally friendly.
Then again, I'm vegetarian and have been known to eat Vietnamese food containing fish sauce in it, without a second thought. So disregard everything I just said.

Who was better: 2Pac or Notorious B.I.G.?

ANSWER: Depends on what criteria you base it. 2Pac was the more engaging artist, who released catchier songs and captured more fans and media attention because of his looks and charisma. Biggie on the other hand was an ugly mofo with an even uglier personality, and hence never quite gained the legions of fans who worship 2Pac. HOWEVER, if we are talking simply about skillz on the mic, Biggie wins hands down. Pac is merely a very good rapper - Biggie is top 5 all-time. His Ready to Die album is head and shoulders above anything Pac has ever done.
So in summary: Tupac is a better overall artist, but Biggie is the better MC and has the better album. Personally I think they were both assholes (yeah, I said it!) but that wasn't really the question.

Who let the dogs out?
ANSWER: I dunno, I still don't understand the question.

Should I vote Labor or Liberal?
ANSWER: I know what you're saying: "Politicians are all the same." But if I asked you "would you rather be kicked in the thigh or kicked in the nuts?", well, they are both bad choices being forced upon you, but one is still a better choice than the other (if you hadn't guessed, its the thigh).
Ask yourself this: Do you think that the rich and powerful in our society should be assisted to become richer and more powerful at the expense of the poorer and less fortunate in our society? If your answer is yes, then vote Liberal. Oh, and come here so I can bitch-slap you.
I find it puzzling that many Asian people I know vote Liberal. After all, it was only 20 years ago that John Howard was saying that we have too many Asians in Australia and we should cut their immigration. He's moved on, of course (now it's asylum seekers being targeted), but I don't forget that sh*t easily. If I ever see him I'm gonna get my homies to hold him down while I fart in his face.
So in conclusion: by default, Labor is the better of two bad choices.

Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie destined to stay together, or should he have stuck with Jennifer Aniston instead?
ANSWER: I don't care, and you shouldn't either. They don't care about your relationship, so stop obsessing about theirs. Next question.

Is today's music really worse than the old stuff, or is that just old people whinging because they're past it?
ANSWER: I'm afraid the old people are right. There's still good music coming out all the time, but the well of ideas is drying up. Generally speaking, we are in a really crap era of music right now. The greatest period in popular music was the mid 60s to early 70s; early rock, and the golden age of soul, funk and reggae. The 90s was actually a really good decade - it gave us albums like Illmatic, Ok Computer, Nevermind and Urban Hymns, and interesting electronic music like trip-hop, jungle and breaks. But today? No one can compare. It's all been done. There are no great visionary musical geniuses to save us - no Jimi Hendrix, no young Stevie Wonder, no James Brown, no Lennon & McCartney, no Bob Marley. The fact that the White Stripes are frequently held up as the greatest rock band around right now tells you what a real mess we're in.
So in conclusion, stop buying those f#@%ing Avril Lavigne and Fergie records and invest in the old Stax and Motown back catalogue, for God's sakes.

Any other questions you need answered? Look at Wikipedia. If you still can't find the answers you're looking for, leave a comment here and I'll do my best to answer it. I make no guarantees however that the answer won't be complete bollocks.


  1. Chris: Why does it feel so much better to make a face and or groan during certain acts, especially those involving release?

    Cases in point: sex face, number 1's face, number 2's face, spoof face (or arrival-face if you're female .. or british .. or both)

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  2. Thanks Blazn, good question, although I hope its the last time I ever hear the phrase "spoof face". After having done extensive research on the subject, I will tell you this - you don't need to groan or make faces during those various acts, but it makes for a more full-body experience, which is hence more satisfying than an experience located merely in the loins or whatever.
    I might add though, that if you frequently need to groan and make faces while releasing number 2s, you probably need more fibre in your diet. Try dried fruits, whole grains and leafy green vegetables.

  3. I just found your blog and think it's a riot!
    I am a "white" person married to a "black" person who, due to circumstances, has been deported; We used to often talk about -- and even find amusing sometimes-- the fact that people cannot discuss issues of race/racism very comfortably. I like how you put things out there that you are thinking about --

    I especially liked your explanation on whether to vote Labor or Liberal. I am in the US, so it made me laugh to know that your "liberal" equates with our "Republican/conservative", and of course we do not even have a Labor party -- In the US many people don't really know they are voting for the very people who are destroying their way of life. Sad, but I may use your analogy when talking to people who keep voting Republican because they are afraid the Democrats want to turn us into a Socialist/Communist county, or some such other silliness.

    Happy Blogging!